Welcome to the first of our hump day humor posts, straight from our archives! We know that Monday stinks, and Wednesday, or Hump Day (getting over the hump at midweek) is the first glimmer of hope on the way to “Me Time”, “Family Time” etc., so in celebration of this event we offer the following.
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Useful Work Phrases
1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
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More hump day humor – In the beginning, there was the Plan.
Sent to us by boyle!
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers And they spoke among themselves saying, “It’s a crock of shit, and it stinks.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it’s strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good, And the Plan became Policy.
And this is what it’s like to work for the big guys!
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