Office Jokes – Maybe NSFW

Office Jokes

In this we bring you the first re-posting from our OFA, or Office Jokes Archives in lay terms. These have added items after having been stored in our servers for a lot of years, so we thought we’d trot them out and freshen them up a bit. Enjoy your day!

Terms and office jokes everyone knows, or should.

Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Salmon day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM
Career Limiting Move – Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB – Career Limiting Behavior)

Adminisphere
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the
adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Exciting Kitchen Items

Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404
Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the
requested document could not be located. “Don’t bother asking him . . . he’s 404, man.”

Ohnosecond
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a “cube farm” (an office full of cubicles) and everyone’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

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Now to the office restrooms, an office jokes take on…stuff.

Walk of Shame
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom up. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if anyone walks in and busts you. As with flatulence, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This also applies in home use to when you belatedly discover an absence of TP.

Crop Dusting
When passing gas you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and nobody else knows exactly where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until it has been fully expelled, and walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your premises. Pray for silence as well.

Uncle Todd (simply Aunty for the ladies)
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the throne and do your business.

Camo Cough 
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the restroom that you are in a stall. This can also be used to cover-up a Watermelon (see below). The Camo Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.

Astaire
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the industrious can do their business in peace.

Watermelon
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo Cough.

Turd Burglar
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when calving one at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves so you can avoid any uncomfortable eye contact.

Safe Haven
A Safe Haven is a seldom used restroom somewhere in the building. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the potential for personal embarrassment.

Fly By
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before use. One walks in and checks for other users. If there are others using the facilities leave and come back again. Be careful, if you do this often enough you will come to be labeled a Frequent Flyer. People will become suspicious if they catch you repeatedly going into the bathroom.

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