Funny Turkey Cooking Instructions: The Only Recipe You’ll Actually Use This Thanksgiving
If you’ve ever tried to cook a Thanksgiving turkey and wondered if you were doing it right, this guide will make you feel a whole lot better. Because according to these funny turkey cooking instructions, the only ingredient you truly need is wine. Lots and lots of wine. The turkey? Optional. Culinary dignity? Gone by step three.
These chaotic instructions read like the inner monologue of someone who started their Thanksgiving prep with optimism and a full bottle of Merlot…and ended with a turkey that may or may not still be frozen and a vocabulary that’s been replaced with alphabet soup.
And honestly? It feels a little too real.
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The Recipe Starts Off Normal… Which Is Suspicious
Every outrageous Thanksgiving disaster begins with the quiet hope that this year will be different. Step one says: Buy a turkey. Great start. Step three even says to stuff the turkey. So far, so good. You’re an adult. You are capable. You can cook. People are depending on you.
And then step two casually tosses in: Have a glass of wine. Not a red flag yet… but this is where the story takes a turn sharper than a carving knife.
The Wine Spiral Begins – the Funny Turkey Cooking Instructions
Step four: Have a glass of wine.
Step six: Relax and have a glass of wine.
At this point, the turkey is in the oven, the cook is fully committed to “relaxing,” and the amount of wine consumed is approaching “I can’t feel my face” territory. Every holiday has that tipping point where the chef becomes more marinated than the bird. These instructions capture it perfectly.
By the time step seven tells you to Turk the bastey, it’s clear you are no longer in control. The turkey is in control. The wine is in control. The English language has left the building entirely.
The Point Where Spelling Packs Its Bags and Leaves
There is a magical moment in everyone’s Thanksgiving where the brain stops participating and starts free-styling. That moment arrives by step eight: Wine of glass another get.
Not “another glass of wine.”
No. It’s backwards. It’s upside down. It has given up.
This is the precise moment someone in the house should take away the baster, the oven mitts, and any utensils longer than six inches.
But they won’t. Because they’re all drinking too.
The Descent Into Full Holiday Chaos
Step nine: Hunt for meat thermometer.
Not find. Hunt. Because at this stage, you are on a quest worthy of medieval armor and a soundtrack.
Step ten: Glass yourself another pour of wine.
Glass yourself. Not pour yourself. Honestly, it works. You probably should be in a glass by now.
Step eleven: Bake the wine for 4 hours.
This is my personal favorite. The turkey is irrelevant. You are now slow-roasting Cabernet.
The Turkey Has Given Up Hope on the Funny Turkey Cooking Instructions
Step twelve: Take the oven out of the turkey.
This is where the bird knows it never stood a chance. It came into this world as a proud creature of the farm. Now it’s watching someone try to remove an oven from inside it.
A moment of silence for the turkey.
When Your Mouth Stops Participating
The last three steps are pure holiday perfection:
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Tet the sable
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Grab another wottle of bine
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Turk the carvey
Congratulations. You have created a new dialect.
Somewhere between step six and step fourteen, the English language evaporated like gravy left on high heat. But the commitment? Inspirational. The effort? Admirable. The wine? Gone.
Why These Funny Turkey Cooking Instructions Hit So Hard
Everyone knows the Thanksgiving cook who:
Starts organized
Gets stressed
Pours a “small glass” that isn’t small
Decides everything is fine even though smoke is coming out of the oven
Randomly shouts “THE TURKEY!” at least three times
This meme captures all of it in one glorious, chaotic, wine-soaked list. It’s the entire Thanksgiving experience in a single glance. It’s not a recipe, it’s a lifestyle.
The True Thanksgiving Tradition
Let’s be honest: nobody remembers the perfect turkey. The moistest turkey. The turkey with the ideal internal temperature. What people remember is the laughter, the burnt edges, the forgotten rolls, the mystery side dish your aunt brought that no one can identify, and the moment someone says, “Wait… did anyone turn on the oven?”
These funny turkey cooking instructions belong in every kitchen—right next to the fire extinguisher and the bottle opener.
Because at the end of the day, Thanksgiving isn’t about perfection.
It’s about survival.
And wine.
Mostly wine.
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