Random R Rated Jokes
In our archives we have hundreds of random R rated jokes accumulated over the years, so rather than leave them there where nobody can see them, we figured we’d share them. Most of these were submitted by subscribers over the years, as Laughshop has always been about sharing and community building, so year, credit to those folks!
How Old Do I Look?
A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the
results. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonald’s for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29”.
“I am actually 47”. This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.” As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”
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Another from LCo187!
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee
entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. She started screaming ‘oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina’.
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said ‘Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit’.
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said ‘OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina.
The Husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said ‘Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it’. So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, ‘ I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper’. So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the Young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, and moan and groan aloud, ‘oh doctor, doctor!’ she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted ‘Now wait a minute, what do you think you’re doing?”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied ‘Change of plan, I’m gonna drown the bugger’.
Luckily for the Prof…
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching
them Reading, Writing, Math, and Science. One day the wife of the tribe’s chief gives birth to a white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look here! You’re the only white man we’ve ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”
The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence… what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief was silent for a moment, then said “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about the sheep and I won’t say anything more about the baby.”
Not the Same
Classic Sent in by SteveLWashickSr!
A young man was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride’s name tattooed on his penis. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, which was whenever she was around him, the tattoo spelled out her name: W-E-N-D-Y.
They went on their honeymoon to a resort in Montego Bay. One night, the fellow finds himself at the urinal in the men’s room, standing next to a very tall Jamaican man. He noticed, to his amazement, that this man, too, had the letters ‘W-Y’ tattooed on his penis.
“Excuse me,” he said, “but I couldn’t help noticing your tattoo. Do you also have a girlfriend named Wendy?”
The Jamaican man laughed out loud and replied, “No mon, my tattoo is for all of the young ladies I meet – it says…
“WELCOME TO JAMAICA, MON, HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY”
…and a note to the Parents…
A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class.
She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.
The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked “does anyone know what this is?”
Little Suzie responds-“I know, I know! It’s a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!” The teacher says “very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise”
The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It’s a picture of a penis. She asks “Does anyone know what this is?” and little Tommy says “I know I know!! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!” The teacher says “well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can’t have two of them.”
Tommy says “sure he does, he’s got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy’s teeth with!”
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
“Pop, what do I do first?”
“Get naked and climb into bed,” his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
“Get naked and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
“What do I do?” he asks.
His father replies, “Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of
your body and put it where she pees!” is the dad’s advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. “What do I do now?” she asks.
“Well, what is he doing?” mama asks.
“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”
Send in your funnies!
We’re always looking for material, funny jokes, pictures, videos, whatever. If you have something that makes you laugh, it probably will lighten the day of others! Who doesn’t love that?