HOW TO TELL IF YOUR VIAGRA IS WORKING
(Sent in by: boyle)
- At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table
floats.
- Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.
- When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you
"the tripod."
- You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.
- Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.
- Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.
- Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc ... lets you go to the front of the line.
- Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.
- You always lose limbo contests.
- Lewinsky wants you to be President someday.
- You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.
- You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan.Viagra Lite: For people who only want to
masturbate
Diary of a Viagra Housewife...
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time
to re-enact our wedding night, HE
locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to
be the first to know. (Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know!) I mean, gimme a
break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his
"problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will
be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "this time, I'd rather not have
your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra,
hoping to lift something other than his mood.)
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the
manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER
YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!
Day 10
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of
mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 11
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make
matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't
working. What am I gonna do?
Day 12
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we
were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 13
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
Day 15
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous"
and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 16
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak
attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missle. Let's hope he's like President Bush and
pulls out in 100 days.
Day 17
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a
nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 20
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: Stiff. With my luck, I
won't be able to close the casket! |
RHYMES WITH NIAGARA
From Boyle!
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth
a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s
society....
DIRECTRA— A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72
percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control
group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA— Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually
finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more
child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and “little accidents.”
COMPLIMENTRA— In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this
drug noticed that their wives had a new hair style. Currently being tested to see if its
effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA— Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their
sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to
be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites
store’s return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA— Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical
trials on sitting U.S. Presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA— This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off
televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA— This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into
food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA— This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open
Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA— About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an
irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent
over-dose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”
LIAGRA— This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their
sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions. |
